“Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy’s Chest More Than Mine? “

                 Being a man and a father has many advantages. They vary from "being able to use the bathroom standing up" to "being able to fart among a group of friends and be faced with nothing but chuckles". We're men. We watch sports, we drink beer (some of us), and we say dumb things and do even dumber things. Eventually, due to the miracle of science we've discussed in past blogs, we become fathers. Being a dad has its perks as well. My child needed to eat from day 1 and some milk would be put into a bottle and I would hold it.  My breasts would not get sore from feeding him, my groin has never felt pain because of this kid, and if I fled to Mexico on an impromptu expedition, this child would get fed. These are just facts people. 

           Don't get me wrong though ladies. We're jealous of you in many ways. I speak for all men, even the ones that squat 400 pounds at the gym and act like they don't know who Kim Kardashian is.   If a girl's at a poker table with a group of guys, she is the center of attention. Plop me down in a kitchen surrounded by ladies baking, and they are counting the seconds till I leave. You get nothing but warnings while we get speeding tickets.  You literally have "tools" that can be used as weapons, pillows and attention grabbers. No matter how much we evolve as a society, no man will walk into a bar with a rolled up gym sock in his pants and have 10 girls come up and buy him drinks. . That's not how this works.   Women rule the world and men basically are blabbering idiots just trying to impress girls.    How this ties into my subject for this week's blog is rather simple. 

          My son doesn't cuddle on me. He doesn't snuggle into my chest. He doesn't OFTEN fall asleep on my chest. He loves me. He loves playing with me. He spots me from a mile away. He wants to make funny sounds. He wants to learn the nuances of zone defense in basketball. He loves his Dad.  But when he's sleepy, he loves Mommy WAY more. He loves Mommy way more because of her weapons, her Milk cartons, her attention grabbers.  He nestles in and he's out cold within minutes.  I can't blame him, but I find myself being jealous that I'll never have the skills or resources his Mommy has.  

          Now I know what you're thinking. "I thought this was a baby blog, why are you talking about breasts the whole time? Aren't you a father you sicko?”  I am a father.  I am also a man.   When you have a son, men, he becomes Mommy's # 1 and he basically rules the roost.   This creates a new hierarchy of Mommy in charge, Baby second in command, and Mommy as second backup just in case and then somewhere after the cat, gerbil and goldfish is Daddy.   You accept it and you appreciate the love that they share.  Although I ask the question here today, I already know the answer of 

               "Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy's Chest More Than Mine?"     


                     Tune in next week when we dive into "Please Give Me A Smile Baby, I'll Do Anything".

"Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien?"

“Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien? “

Being a Dad rules.  Let me make that clear.   Making a baby is great (wink wink).  Making your baby smile for the first time is awesome.  I can imagine watching him read/walk/drive/play for the first time is an amazing beautiful experience as well.  I see now what all the hoopla was about, and I have drunk the Kool-aid.

HOWEVER, and I want to make this clear, NOTHING about giving birth is beautiful.   Nothing about the process, nothing about the yelling and crying (mostly me), is even remotely something you can classify as beautiful. Women don’t think so, because they are pushing a HUGE thing out of a small place and in agonizing pain.  Men don’t think so because they are in the vicinity of their woman pushing a HUGE thing out of a small place.   The experience is amazing and mind boggling and incomprehensible, but NO , it’s not beautiful so stop it,  stop it right now.

To give you an idea, I think our son is the most beautiful baby in the world. I know what you're going to say “Everyone thinks that!” . Well there’s a difference, they’re delusional and wrong.  My little man is the most beautiful baby in the world.  You often hear people talk about or see people post pictures of their just born babies and everyone says “OMG Lorraine… he/she is SOOOOO Beautiful”.  This is another example of what I like to call “BLATANT LYING”. Babies fresh out of Mommy can only be classified as gross alien life forms.  They are filled with gunk, they have strange and peculiar faces, and in my son’s case, he actually had a cone head. Yes, he was a baby Dan Aykroyd.  I held him and loved him, but it took him a good couple days before he resembled a human being.  I want all you non-parents to go in with this expectation.  You will love them regardless of how alien-like they are, and they will turn into the most beautiful thing in your world, but that first day, they are far from “Breathtaking”.  They are little miracle goblins for the first day or two and you can deny it ladies and gentlemen, but it’s true. 

Next week, I’m going to start diving in on the beginning of the best friendship I have ever had, the one with my son.  He has taught his mommy and myself so much about life and happiness and how one little smile or belly laugh can literally eliminate 100 annoyances from your day.  You will never love anything or anyone as much as you love your child.  I hope you can see how much I LIKE this kid in coming weeks, as I write about our adventures in diaper changing, food eating, backwards crawling and using his Mommy and Daddy as a jungle gym.  I have so many questions about his future and I know they’ll all have answers one day. The only question I don’t have an answer for is the one I had in the early morning of May 3^rd, 2013.

“Why Does My Son Look Like An Alien”.

Next Week:     “Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy’s Chest More Than Mine? “

"Oh God How Is Something Going To Come Out Of There?"

           

            I’ll start off this week’s blog by stating that child birth is both a miracle and a mystery to me. How a person is created and then comes out of another person is both insane and unexplainable.  I only hope that women realize that NOTHING a man will ever do compares to what child birth is to them. You ladies are saints. 

That being said, child birth is perhaps the most terrifying experience for a man, outside of getting your manhood taken from you that can possibly happen.  You are told that “you really help by being supportive, bringing her ice chips, rubbing her shoulders”. Yeah that’s all well and good, but really you're just a bumbling fool looking to complete strangers (the doctors) hoping that they know what the hell they are doing.  I’m fairly certain if the custodian walked through the door at the hospital and said that he knows what he’s doing , I would have given him a nod and let him go to work.  We really are a clueless bunch.  It’s comical and you will never ever EVER worry more than that 24 hour period that your wife/girlfriend is in labor.

Let’s touch on a couple things for you novices out there.  I can go over this with the general public now that I’m a seasoned veteran in the art of “Watching a woman create a miracle”.  First, don’t say “you’re between contractions, it doesn't hurt now”. I was doing SOOO well and that comment set me back at least 3 hours.  I’m fairly certain if I didn't have her arms locked down with the Canadian arm bar maneuver, that she would have ripped my heart out after that comment.  I learned my lesson for next time.  Secondly, find your Inner Bear Bryant/Vince Lombardi.    You’re a coach.  Use coach speak and sports euphemisms CONSTANTLY. This especially works if your lady is like mine and is a competitive sports nut.  Phrases such as “EYE OF THE TIGER”, “THE GAME IS ON THE LINE” and “LESSSSSSSSGOOOOOOO” are solid choices. Third, living in New England, the battle lines of Red Sox vs Yankees are very clear and taken very seriously. Telling your doctor that you are a red sox fan when she bleeds the Yankees pinstripes can inevitably lead to her “ALMOST” dropping your slippery child upon birth. Just be indifferent and say you like sewing and pottery.   Finally and most importantly for you expecting first-time fathers, many removable parts will be laid on the table to the side or end of the bed. These things are not souvenirs. Any man that says that they are with a straight face is a liar or is being worked like a puppet.   The doctors don’t care that you find them gross and will make it as hard as possible for you to move around  and avoid these things.  Do yourself a favor and lose weight so you can easily slip between the table and the wall to take pictures. 

Next week, I will tell you all about the first time you meet your child, the admiration you will have for your woman until the day you die. Your baby will be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen …. About 10 minutes after he’s born.  This ties into next week’s title…………………

“Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien”

"Why Can't I Remember How To Do Anything Now?"

                                       
               

       There have been many great, brilliant men since the beginning of time.  They have unlocked that the world is round, the meaning of life, and that if you throw an apple in the air, it will come down, and why.  They give out awards every year to these geniuses. I still can't imagine how we have gotten to the point where we can watch TV in our cars, talk on phones without holding a phone, and find out the weather in Bangladesh from our living room. But this was done by geniuses, both men and women, (but mostly men in fairness) that had this superior intellect. 

      That being said, when it comes to the day their wife went into labor, Einstein, Newton and Da Vinci were just as dumb as the next guy.  Whatever intelligence a man has is immediately lost when talks of waters breaking and "it's time" come into play.  My story will illustrate this point. 

       I'm not the most technically savvy guy in the world. However, I had practiced certain things time and time again so I was ready when I was told it's time to go the hospital. I knew the best route to get there, I knew what we needed to pack to bring , I knew how to fold up that stroller/car seat combination monstrosity and get it into the trunk.  Now, if you remember from my past entry,  We are at the softball field, we're racing home and my mind is racing on . what to pack/where the hospital is and will this kid hate me? We pull up to the house and I yelled at her to stay in the car and I ran inside at the speed of light. I come to the stroller and go to do something I’ve done A HUNDRED times.  Fold that puppy up and throw it over my shoulder.  This time, however, I literally had no clue how to do it.  I also had no clue where anything was that we had to pack, how to walk one step in front of another, and how to control my bowels.  I made the executive decision to get everything together, get it all outside and then fold it up out there .  Apparently, fresh air would bring my lost intelligence back to me.  It did not, I fought and yelled at her to stay in the car (she was much calmer and could have done this in ten seconds, but I felt like I could pull off folding up the stroller).  I then decided to sprint to my neighbor's and ask them for help since they just had a baby.  The look of shock and amazement at the confused/scared child in front of them was a thing of beauty.  As we tried to solve this Rubik’s Cube, something clicked and it was closed.  I said thanks... tripped over my own feet and ran to the car. Luckily enough, in the 12-14 hours I was gone, she didn't give birth in my Hyundai Sonata. That would have been bad. 

So to recap the things we've learned today,  Men are superior intelligently UNTIL the second labor/pregnancy/parenthood comes into play, then the gap is substantial.  I hope this public service announcement has made clear to any man out there considering fatherhood or the things that make fatherhood happen, it will make you dumber. This is not even counting the multiple TV shows with cute songs and bright colors.   It truly begs the question: 

"Why Can't I Remember How To Do Anything Now? "

Tune in next week for "OH GOD HOW IS SOMETHING GOING TO COME OUT OF THERE?"

You're Not Giving Birth On A Softball Field

       As we get closer to the inevitable day where a person mysteriously comes out of the mother , I as a man asked myself a few important questions.  1. How did the baby get in there? 2. Although men contribute "half the work, are we really equal contributors? and 3. How is such a big thing going to come out of such a small space? 

Science has shown us that these questions have answers, but I'm still not convinced. All I know is that worrying about when this event is going to happen consumes you once you hit the 8 month mark.  Every yawn, cough or sneeze is her yelling out that she's going into labor.  If you're REALLY creepy (which i am), you literally stare at her in her sleep and wait for something to happen. (it never does). 

Certain events keep you busy and softball is one thing that our family enjoys.  My girlfriend is a monster of a softball player and we are both members of our company softball team , of which I am coach. If it was up to her, she would have literally given birth while taking out a double play at second base, but I convinced her that maybe it was about that time to be permanent scorekeeper and she was nice enough to listen to me. 

So the game goes on and as I run in from Center field each inning, I check with her and see how she's doing. "I'm fine, I'm fine" .  Ok... let's keep it rolling.  The fifth inning, if I recall correctly, was a bit different. I check the lineup to see who's batting next and I notice a pattern of numbers on the side of the paper. Because I'm not that smart, I ask her .   "uh what's that?".    She replies with something along the lines of "don't worry about it" . Thinking back to 5th grade sex ed class took some time, but I finally realize that these are contraction times and she's going into labor.  I make the sensible choice of immediately losing my sh#t and running around in circles.  After regaining my composure (getting tired), I tell her it's time to leave and she says "NO YOURE FINISHING THE GAME".  Another tip: Women are tough to convince to do something under any circumstance if their mind is made up.  Pregnant Women basically rule the world like Roman Emperors.  After a team effort of team members, myself and some "other things that happen", she finally relented and we headed off to GO HAVE A BABY!!!!!.  As I continued to cry/sweat/hyperventilate in the car, i turned to her and said : 

YOU'RE NOT GIVING BIRTH ON A SOFTBALL FIELD!

Stay tuned next week for   "Why can't I remember how to do anything now?". 

No One Talks About How Painful Pregnancy Is For Men

The day you find out you're having a baby is an exciting day. It's a day of happiness and hopes and dreams and all that other jazz. But the 8-9 months that follow can only be described as a mixture of jail time and Hell.  I'll give you an analogy that should ring true for all you guys out there.

You know that feeling on Thanksgiving when there's SO MUCH good food, that you just keep eating after you're full. You just feel like you have a person inside you. It's like that, except instead of turkey and cranberry sauce, it's an ACTUAL PERSON.  This person apparently kicks, jabs and moves around like a cage fighter and women just go to work, go to school and go about life in between hanging over the toilet.  They are truly an inspiration.

That being said, that's nothing compared to us poor men.  We have it rough and that's often forgotten.  Case in point:  I'm on the computer playing online poker or staring at my fantasy teams and she, after a long hard day of carrying around a person, dozes off.  I look over and there's a bag of Cheetos that I've been craving all day STARING me in the face. Can I eat them in the room? I sure can't. That would wake her. Can I go in the other room and eat them? NOPE, I have to be there to support her while she sleeps because "SHE'S carrying my child inside her all day and giving life to a human being"  This may be hormones talking but I speak for all men when I say that this is a very emotional time.

Another example of how hard pregnancy is for men : How You Eat.  I would love to sit here and say that I'm the model of good eating and physical fitness, but there are multiple friends and family that will call me a liar.  However, I have good intentions.  When SHE wants an anchovy sundae with barbecue sauce at 10 PM from Friendly's, oh you're going to get it.  And that's all well and good.  But am I supposed to go and not get one for myself while I’m there, perhaps with a steaming plate of chicken tenders to go with it. I mean, I’m only human. If it was just me, I’d be lazy and not go to friendly’s.  I don't have that luxury when she's carrying my child, so I walk uphill both ways in the snow barefoot and I get her sundae and my sundae and my chicken strips and French fries and honey mustard and perhaps an extra grilled cheese and some more honey mustard.

I do this for her, because she's carrying around a person and I do it for me as I want that person to be nourished and well fed.  Women should be applauded for all they do to bring people into this world. But NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HOW PAINFUL PREGNANCY IS FOR MEN.

Tune in next week for "You're not giving birth on a softball field"

Oh God, I'm going to be a dad. How much are flights to Mexico?

I remember the day well. I don't remember the exact date (she will),  I don't remember the day of the week (she will), but I remember the day like it was yesterday.  My girlfriend comes out to the car and she's looking a little emotional.  This could have easily been today's meat loaf at work, but i thought it best to dig deeper. I asked her what was wrong... and she told me that she was late (this means something female related i later learned) and she took a test and she's pregnant.

At this moment, as a man, you go through the full gamut of different emotions.  Anger- "I thought we were being safe". Confusion "I thought we were being safe".  frustration "I thought we were being SAFE" and then curiosity "am I really going to become a Dad? Oh Sh*t. Moments like these are where the true character of a man and his relationship with his woman are shown.  I am proud to say i went the route of honest excitement. I loved the girl. I love kids.  This seemed like a home run.

Since my Mom lived fairly close, I thought we get another test and go over there and spring the news on them. This would been a perfect opportunity for my Mom to say "you're an idiot and I still have to cut your steak for you". She did not jump at that chance which made me happy. We took a second test and it was happening. We were becoming parents.  I was going to become a Dad.  I would have to provide for a human being and teach them how to build and work on cars and change light bulbs. Uh oh- I don't know how to do ANY of those things. Good thing i have the missus.  (prepare for more emasculation of the male species ladies).

Check in next week:

No one ever tells you about how painful pregnancy is for MEN.......