“Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy’s Chest More Than Mine? “

                 Being a man and a father has many advantages. They vary from "being able to use the bathroom standing up" to "being able to fart among a group of friends and be faced with nothing but chuckles". We're men. We watch sports, we drink beer (some of us), and we say dumb things and do even dumber things. Eventually, due to the miracle of science we've discussed in past blogs, we become fathers. Being a dad has its perks as well. My child needed to eat from day 1 and some milk would be put into a bottle and I would hold it.  My breasts would not get sore from feeding him, my groin has never felt pain because of this kid, and if I fled to Mexico on an impromptu expedition, this child would get fed. These are just facts people. 

           Don't get me wrong though ladies. We're jealous of you in many ways. I speak for all men, even the ones that squat 400 pounds at the gym and act like they don't know who Kim Kardashian is.   If a girl's at a poker table with a group of guys, she is the center of attention. Plop me down in a kitchen surrounded by ladies baking, and they are counting the seconds till I leave. You get nothing but warnings while we get speeding tickets.  You literally have "tools" that can be used as weapons, pillows and attention grabbers. No matter how much we evolve as a society, no man will walk into a bar with a rolled up gym sock in his pants and have 10 girls come up and buy him drinks. . That's not how this works.   Women rule the world and men basically are blabbering idiots just trying to impress girls.    How this ties into my subject for this week's blog is rather simple. 

          My son doesn't cuddle on me. He doesn't snuggle into my chest. He doesn't OFTEN fall asleep on my chest. He loves me. He loves playing with me. He spots me from a mile away. He wants to make funny sounds. He wants to learn the nuances of zone defense in basketball. He loves his Dad.  But when he's sleepy, he loves Mommy WAY more. He loves Mommy way more because of her weapons, her Milk cartons, her attention grabbers.  He nestles in and he's out cold within minutes.  I can't blame him, but I find myself being jealous that I'll never have the skills or resources his Mommy has.  

          Now I know what you're thinking. "I thought this was a baby blog, why are you talking about breasts the whole time? Aren't you a father you sicko?”  I am a father.  I am also a man.   When you have a son, men, he becomes Mommy's # 1 and he basically rules the roost.   This creates a new hierarchy of Mommy in charge, Baby second in command, and Mommy as second backup just in case and then somewhere after the cat, gerbil and goldfish is Daddy.   You accept it and you appreciate the love that they share.  Although I ask the question here today, I already know the answer of 

               "Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy's Chest More Than Mine?"     


                     Tune in next week when we dive into "Please Give Me A Smile Baby, I'll Do Anything".

"Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien?"

“Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien? “

Being a Dad rules.  Let me make that clear.   Making a baby is great (wink wink).  Making your baby smile for the first time is awesome.  I can imagine watching him read/walk/drive/play for the first time is an amazing beautiful experience as well.  I see now what all the hoopla was about, and I have drunk the Kool-aid.

HOWEVER, and I want to make this clear, NOTHING about giving birth is beautiful.   Nothing about the process, nothing about the yelling and crying (mostly me), is even remotely something you can classify as beautiful. Women don’t think so, because they are pushing a HUGE thing out of a small place and in agonizing pain.  Men don’t think so because they are in the vicinity of their woman pushing a HUGE thing out of a small place.   The experience is amazing and mind boggling and incomprehensible, but NO , it’s not beautiful so stop it,  stop it right now.

To give you an idea, I think our son is the most beautiful baby in the world. I know what you're going to say “Everyone thinks that!” . Well there’s a difference, they’re delusional and wrong.  My little man is the most beautiful baby in the world.  You often hear people talk about or see people post pictures of their just born babies and everyone says “OMG Lorraine… he/she is SOOOOO Beautiful”.  This is another example of what I like to call “BLATANT LYING”. Babies fresh out of Mommy can only be classified as gross alien life forms.  They are filled with gunk, they have strange and peculiar faces, and in my son’s case, he actually had a cone head. Yes, he was a baby Dan Aykroyd.  I held him and loved him, but it took him a good couple days before he resembled a human being.  I want all you non-parents to go in with this expectation.  You will love them regardless of how alien-like they are, and they will turn into the most beautiful thing in your world, but that first day, they are far from “Breathtaking”.  They are little miracle goblins for the first day or two and you can deny it ladies and gentlemen, but it’s true. 

Next week, I’m going to start diving in on the beginning of the best friendship I have ever had, the one with my son.  He has taught his mommy and myself so much about life and happiness and how one little smile or belly laugh can literally eliminate 100 annoyances from your day.  You will never love anything or anyone as much as you love your child.  I hope you can see how much I LIKE this kid in coming weeks, as I write about our adventures in diaper changing, food eating, backwards crawling and using his Mommy and Daddy as a jungle gym.  I have so many questions about his future and I know they’ll all have answers one day. The only question I don’t have an answer for is the one I had in the early morning of May 3^rd, 2013.

“Why Does My Son Look Like An Alien”.

Next Week:     “Why Does My Son Like Cuddling On Mommy’s Chest More Than Mine? “