"Oh God How Is Something Going To Come Out Of There?"

           

            I’ll start off this week’s blog by stating that child birth is both a miracle and a mystery to me. How a person is created and then comes out of another person is both insane and unexplainable.  I only hope that women realize that NOTHING a man will ever do compares to what child birth is to them. You ladies are saints. 

That being said, child birth is perhaps the most terrifying experience for a man, outside of getting your manhood taken from you that can possibly happen.  You are told that “you really help by being supportive, bringing her ice chips, rubbing her shoulders”. Yeah that’s all well and good, but really you're just a bumbling fool looking to complete strangers (the doctors) hoping that they know what the hell they are doing.  I’m fairly certain if the custodian walked through the door at the hospital and said that he knows what he’s doing , I would have given him a nod and let him go to work.  We really are a clueless bunch.  It’s comical and you will never ever EVER worry more than that 24 hour period that your wife/girlfriend is in labor.

Let’s touch on a couple things for you novices out there.  I can go over this with the general public now that I’m a seasoned veteran in the art of “Watching a woman create a miracle”.  First, don’t say “you’re between contractions, it doesn't hurt now”. I was doing SOOO well and that comment set me back at least 3 hours.  I’m fairly certain if I didn't have her arms locked down with the Canadian arm bar maneuver, that she would have ripped my heart out after that comment.  I learned my lesson for next time.  Secondly, find your Inner Bear Bryant/Vince Lombardi.    You’re a coach.  Use coach speak and sports euphemisms CONSTANTLY. This especially works if your lady is like mine and is a competitive sports nut.  Phrases such as “EYE OF THE TIGER”, “THE GAME IS ON THE LINE” and “LESSSSSSSSGOOOOOOO” are solid choices. Third, living in New England, the battle lines of Red Sox vs Yankees are very clear and taken very seriously. Telling your doctor that you are a red sox fan when she bleeds the Yankees pinstripes can inevitably lead to her “ALMOST” dropping your slippery child upon birth. Just be indifferent and say you like sewing and pottery.   Finally and most importantly for you expecting first-time fathers, many removable parts will be laid on the table to the side or end of the bed. These things are not souvenirs. Any man that says that they are with a straight face is a liar or is being worked like a puppet.   The doctors don’t care that you find them gross and will make it as hard as possible for you to move around  and avoid these things.  Do yourself a favor and lose weight so you can easily slip between the table and the wall to take pictures. 

Next week, I will tell you all about the first time you meet your child, the admiration you will have for your woman until the day you die. Your baby will be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen …. About 10 minutes after he’s born.  This ties into next week’s title…………………

“Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien”

"Why Can't I Remember How To Do Anything Now?"

                                       
               

       There have been many great, brilliant men since the beginning of time.  They have unlocked that the world is round, the meaning of life, and that if you throw an apple in the air, it will come down, and why.  They give out awards every year to these geniuses. I still can't imagine how we have gotten to the point where we can watch TV in our cars, talk on phones without holding a phone, and find out the weather in Bangladesh from our living room. But this was done by geniuses, both men and women, (but mostly men in fairness) that had this superior intellect. 

      That being said, when it comes to the day their wife went into labor, Einstein, Newton and Da Vinci were just as dumb as the next guy.  Whatever intelligence a man has is immediately lost when talks of waters breaking and "it's time" come into play.  My story will illustrate this point. 

       I'm not the most technically savvy guy in the world. However, I had practiced certain things time and time again so I was ready when I was told it's time to go the hospital. I knew the best route to get there, I knew what we needed to pack to bring , I knew how to fold up that stroller/car seat combination monstrosity and get it into the trunk.  Now, if you remember from my past entry,  We are at the softball field, we're racing home and my mind is racing on . what to pack/where the hospital is and will this kid hate me? We pull up to the house and I yelled at her to stay in the car and I ran inside at the speed of light. I come to the stroller and go to do something I’ve done A HUNDRED times.  Fold that puppy up and throw it over my shoulder.  This time, however, I literally had no clue how to do it.  I also had no clue where anything was that we had to pack, how to walk one step in front of another, and how to control my bowels.  I made the executive decision to get everything together, get it all outside and then fold it up out there .  Apparently, fresh air would bring my lost intelligence back to me.  It did not, I fought and yelled at her to stay in the car (she was much calmer and could have done this in ten seconds, but I felt like I could pull off folding up the stroller).  I then decided to sprint to my neighbor's and ask them for help since they just had a baby.  The look of shock and amazement at the confused/scared child in front of them was a thing of beauty.  As we tried to solve this Rubik’s Cube, something clicked and it was closed.  I said thanks... tripped over my own feet and ran to the car. Luckily enough, in the 12-14 hours I was gone, she didn't give birth in my Hyundai Sonata. That would have been bad. 

So to recap the things we've learned today,  Men are superior intelligently UNTIL the second labor/pregnancy/parenthood comes into play, then the gap is substantial.  I hope this public service announcement has made clear to any man out there considering fatherhood or the things that make fatherhood happen, it will make you dumber. This is not even counting the multiple TV shows with cute songs and bright colors.   It truly begs the question: 

"Why Can't I Remember How To Do Anything Now? "

Tune in next week for "OH GOD HOW IS SOMETHING GOING TO COME OUT OF THERE?"

You're Not Giving Birth On A Softball Field

       As we get closer to the inevitable day where a person mysteriously comes out of the mother , I as a man asked myself a few important questions.  1. How did the baby get in there? 2. Although men contribute "half the work, are we really equal contributors? and 3. How is such a big thing going to come out of such a small space? 

Science has shown us that these questions have answers, but I'm still not convinced. All I know is that worrying about when this event is going to happen consumes you once you hit the 8 month mark.  Every yawn, cough or sneeze is her yelling out that she's going into labor.  If you're REALLY creepy (which i am), you literally stare at her in her sleep and wait for something to happen. (it never does). 

Certain events keep you busy and softball is one thing that our family enjoys.  My girlfriend is a monster of a softball player and we are both members of our company softball team , of which I am coach. If it was up to her, she would have literally given birth while taking out a double play at second base, but I convinced her that maybe it was about that time to be permanent scorekeeper and she was nice enough to listen to me. 

So the game goes on and as I run in from Center field each inning, I check with her and see how she's doing. "I'm fine, I'm fine" .  Ok... let's keep it rolling.  The fifth inning, if I recall correctly, was a bit different. I check the lineup to see who's batting next and I notice a pattern of numbers on the side of the paper. Because I'm not that smart, I ask her .   "uh what's that?".    She replies with something along the lines of "don't worry about it" . Thinking back to 5th grade sex ed class took some time, but I finally realize that these are contraction times and she's going into labor.  I make the sensible choice of immediately losing my sh#t and running around in circles.  After regaining my composure (getting tired), I tell her it's time to leave and she says "NO YOURE FINISHING THE GAME".  Another tip: Women are tough to convince to do something under any circumstance if their mind is made up.  Pregnant Women basically rule the world like Roman Emperors.  After a team effort of team members, myself and some "other things that happen", she finally relented and we headed off to GO HAVE A BABY!!!!!.  As I continued to cry/sweat/hyperventilate in the car, i turned to her and said : 

YOU'RE NOT GIVING BIRTH ON A SOFTBALL FIELD!

Stay tuned next week for   "Why can't I remember how to do anything now?". 

No One Talks About How Painful Pregnancy Is For Men

The day you find out you're having a baby is an exciting day. It's a day of happiness and hopes and dreams and all that other jazz. But the 8-9 months that follow can only be described as a mixture of jail time and Hell.  I'll give you an analogy that should ring true for all you guys out there.

You know that feeling on Thanksgiving when there's SO MUCH good food, that you just keep eating after you're full. You just feel like you have a person inside you. It's like that, except instead of turkey and cranberry sauce, it's an ACTUAL PERSON.  This person apparently kicks, jabs and moves around like a cage fighter and women just go to work, go to school and go about life in between hanging over the toilet.  They are truly an inspiration.

That being said, that's nothing compared to us poor men.  We have it rough and that's often forgotten.  Case in point:  I'm on the computer playing online poker or staring at my fantasy teams and she, after a long hard day of carrying around a person, dozes off.  I look over and there's a bag of Cheetos that I've been craving all day STARING me in the face. Can I eat them in the room? I sure can't. That would wake her. Can I go in the other room and eat them? NOPE, I have to be there to support her while she sleeps because "SHE'S carrying my child inside her all day and giving life to a human being"  This may be hormones talking but I speak for all men when I say that this is a very emotional time.

Another example of how hard pregnancy is for men : How You Eat.  I would love to sit here and say that I'm the model of good eating and physical fitness, but there are multiple friends and family that will call me a liar.  However, I have good intentions.  When SHE wants an anchovy sundae with barbecue sauce at 10 PM from Friendly's, oh you're going to get it.  And that's all well and good.  But am I supposed to go and not get one for myself while I’m there, perhaps with a steaming plate of chicken tenders to go with it. I mean, I’m only human. If it was just me, I’d be lazy and not go to friendly’s.  I don't have that luxury when she's carrying my child, so I walk uphill both ways in the snow barefoot and I get her sundae and my sundae and my chicken strips and French fries and honey mustard and perhaps an extra grilled cheese and some more honey mustard.

I do this for her, because she's carrying around a person and I do it for me as I want that person to be nourished and well fed.  Women should be applauded for all they do to bring people into this world. But NO ONE TALKS ABOUT HOW PAINFUL PREGNANCY IS FOR MEN.

Tune in next week for "You're not giving birth on a softball field"