"Oh God How Is Something Going To Come Out Of There?"

           

            I’ll start off this week’s blog by stating that child birth is both a miracle and a mystery to me. How a person is created and then comes out of another person is both insane and unexplainable.  I only hope that women realize that NOTHING a man will ever do compares to what child birth is to them. You ladies are saints. 

That being said, child birth is perhaps the most terrifying experience for a man, outside of getting your manhood taken from you that can possibly happen.  You are told that “you really help by being supportive, bringing her ice chips, rubbing her shoulders”. Yeah that’s all well and good, but really you're just a bumbling fool looking to complete strangers (the doctors) hoping that they know what the hell they are doing.  I’m fairly certain if the custodian walked through the door at the hospital and said that he knows what he’s doing , I would have given him a nod and let him go to work.  We really are a clueless bunch.  It’s comical and you will never ever EVER worry more than that 24 hour period that your wife/girlfriend is in labor.

Let’s touch on a couple things for you novices out there.  I can go over this with the general public now that I’m a seasoned veteran in the art of “Watching a woman create a miracle”.  First, don’t say “you’re between contractions, it doesn't hurt now”. I was doing SOOO well and that comment set me back at least 3 hours.  I’m fairly certain if I didn't have her arms locked down with the Canadian arm bar maneuver, that she would have ripped my heart out after that comment.  I learned my lesson for next time.  Secondly, find your Inner Bear Bryant/Vince Lombardi.    You’re a coach.  Use coach speak and sports euphemisms CONSTANTLY. This especially works if your lady is like mine and is a competitive sports nut.  Phrases such as “EYE OF THE TIGER”, “THE GAME IS ON THE LINE” and “LESSSSSSSSGOOOOOOO” are solid choices. Third, living in New England, the battle lines of Red Sox vs Yankees are very clear and taken very seriously. Telling your doctor that you are a red sox fan when she bleeds the Yankees pinstripes can inevitably lead to her “ALMOST” dropping your slippery child upon birth. Just be indifferent and say you like sewing and pottery.   Finally and most importantly for you expecting first-time fathers, many removable parts will be laid on the table to the side or end of the bed. These things are not souvenirs. Any man that says that they are with a straight face is a liar or is being worked like a puppet.   The doctors don’t care that you find them gross and will make it as hard as possible for you to move around  and avoid these things.  Do yourself a favor and lose weight so you can easily slip between the table and the wall to take pictures. 

Next week, I will tell you all about the first time you meet your child, the admiration you will have for your woman until the day you die. Your baby will be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen …. About 10 minutes after he’s born.  This ties into next week’s title…………………

“Why Does My Baby Look Like An Alien”